WANTED:
Head football coach.
- Knowledge of football rules welcome, but not required.
- It is necessary that you aren’t a piece of shit so fat that people may accurately refer to you as a “Fat Kevin James.”
- Ability to receive college credit a plus.
Weekly Power Rankings: College Sports Edition
#5 Tim Tebow
The gators quarterback is recovering from a concussion incurred during last night’s game.
Tebow’s claim to have “seen Jesus” after the hit probably would’ve carried more weight if it wasn’t the 117th time he said it that day.
#4 College Football Upsets
South Carolina, Iowa, Oregon, Virginia Tech, and USF each took down the favored team this weekend.
After the victory, Hawkeye fans said they planned on celebrating the victory by “partying like it’s not Iowa, which, unfortunately, is in reality the state we’re currently living in.” They then spent the next 45 minutes going over the differences between Iowa and Idaho.
#3 Bruce Pearl
The Vols hoop coach apologized for an off-the-cuff joke about a rural part of Tennessee made at a charity fundraiser.
And yet, he remains unrepentant regarding his role in this unspeakable tragedy.
#2 Kansas Football And Basketball Players
KU officials are still unsure about the details of campus fights that occurred last week between members of the football and basketball teams.
While the two sides are still in disagreement over what happened, everyone can pretty much agree that this thing would have probably been far more hilarious if Kirk Hinrich was still around.
#1 Charlie Weis
The Irish coach may have saved his job after a win over Purdue.
Anyone who says Weis couldn’t coach his way out of a paper bag is an idiot, because coaching out of a paper bag implies that he would be able to fit in there in the first place.
“ …My challenge to you is that we need you at your best. So come get ready to go for four quarters, get after them, especially when our defense is out there… ”
It is widely assumed this is part of Jets coach Rex Ryan’s speech in a pre-taped voicemail to season ticket holders, though it’s hard to know for sure what someone is saying when they’re simultaneously talking and eating a rack of ribs and a cartoonishly oversized turkey leg.
Miami’s financial problems date back to a few years ago, when former coach Stan Van Gundy was forced to take a second job doing porn under the name “Ron Jeremy.”
Game Of The Night: Patriots vs. Bills
During the pregame show, new ESPN analyst Tedy Bruschi became visibly flustered and confused when anchor Stuart Scott asked him to give his opinion about an NFL team other than the Patriots.
Urlacher’s Tit Grabbing Wrist Out For Tit Grabbing Season.
Weekly Power Rankings
#5 Alex Rodriguez
Bud Selig decided he won’t discipline A-Rod for lying about his use of P.E.Ds.
The MLB Commissioner cited the fact that the Yankees slugger is probably going to be forced to watch whatever movies Kate Hudson comes out with in the near future as punishment enough.
#4 Michael Jordan
The G.O.A.T entered the Basketball Hall of Fame Friday night.
As an homage to his illustrious career, Jordan delivered a stirring and wholly entertaining acceptance speech and left the final 5 seconds to be finished by some white guy no one’s ever heard of.
#3 Michigan
The Wolverines upset Notre Dame Saturday.
Further proving the old adage: 2am practice makes perfect.
#2 Derek Jeter
The Shortstop became the Yankees’ all-time hit king Friday.
Jeter has garnered such goodwill from breaking Lou Gehrig’s record that even Boston fans are now hoping his death is quick and painless.
#1 The NFL
The NFL’s first full weekend schedule kicks off today.
Things To Look Forward To:
1. Kurt Warner Jesusing the shit out of something.
2. Mark Sanchez seriously considering having sex with every able-bodied female in the stadium.
3. Josh McDaniels saying “fuck it” after Kyle Orton’s 4th interception and flying back to New England to coach the Pats’ Monday night game.
Honorable Mention:
Upon further review, NFL Ump finds Just Friends, “Actually not that bad.”
welcometothisblogbitch:
Can’t wait till tomorrow.
Matt “Matty Ice” Ryan is the quintessential throwback to simpler times of yesteryear, when athletes were allowed to have nicknames which referenced things that, if over-consumed, could get you arrested and possibly killed.
This isn’t the first time a Notre Dame coach would use man-made methods to prepare his team for an upcoming game. During his coaching days, Lou Holtz would prepare the Irish for an upcoming rain-soaked game by talking to them for an extended period of time.
